Hi everyone!
Before I start baring my soul, I want to say a huge thank you to those who have been supporting me! Some of you may only know me through this blog. I want you to know how much your support means to me personally.
It matters to me and you matter to me.
Today I want to share how amazing our God is! I want to share his goodness and faithfulness.
About 2 years ago I opened up about a painful season of my life. This is a continuation of that, so I would recommend reading that first.
For a few years, I was consumed with so many emotions. Fear, anger, confusion, doubt. You name it, I probably felt it. Questions stood in every direction. For some time I was in a relationship that with every fiber of my being I wanted to thrive. But it didn't. So then I tried everything I could for it to just survive. My love and loyalty sometimes is my weakness. However, I wouldn't take it back because everyone deserves to know what it feels like to have someone believe in them no matter what.
I came to a place where I knew it was time to let go of what I was fighting for. I was so scared. One night while lying in my bed I began to cry. I couldn’t stop because my heart ached so badly.
"God, I don't know what to do anymore. I love him so much."
And he said to me, "Samantha, it's time to let go."
"God, I'm so scared. I'm tired of losing people I love."
"It's going to be ok. I'm right here."
I knew at that moment I had to be obedient even though it felt like the scariest thing. But I also knew, that if God was telling me it was time, that meant I was ready. Whether I believed it or not.
I trusted him.
Fast forward a couple of days, I officially broke up with the guy I tried so hard to have a future with and my first love. On top of what I was already going through, I began to feel even more alone. I was absolutely consumed with pain. I still didn't know what my purpose was, I had no friends and my family was struggling. It felt like the fight of my life.
During my heartbreak, my mom would often tell me that God has a way of turning things around in the smallest of ways. So I did my best to hold on to that. I thought if I could just keep doing the best I could in my weakness, things would turn around. Still, each day felt long and empty like I was just existing.
My faith was put to such a test! Despite my flesh fighting me, I went to God in prayer so he could strengthen me and his word to teach me. It wasn't just those things that began to slowly reveal who I was in Christ. He also brought people and opportunities into my life for seasons. And each one taught me something and stretched me in different ways for his purpose. I felt the growing pains and the pressure but over time I began to see myself differently.
I no longer saw myself as someone who failed God or who was of no use to him anymore. I saw myself truly as a child of God for the first time in my life. Finding that has given me the confidence I never had before. The kind that I'm so passionate for every single woman to experience too because it changes everything. The way you pray, worship, serve, love, and lead.
God continued to heal my heart. There came a point where I started to realize there was something I knew I needed to do.
Honestly, though I was terrified of doing it.
I had to confront my hurt.
Truth is, I was scared to because I felt it wouldn't change anything.
During one service I felt God tug on my heart to stop waiting on my environment to change. It was up to me to step out in faith spiritually in order to see a change physically. I went home that day and sat down with my mom to express what I was feeling led to do. And I asked her to be with me as support.
The truth is, facing my hurt didn't go the way I hoped it would. But somehow I still walked away with a weight lifted off my shoulders. Which at the time I thought was odd.
But then God began to reveal to me that confronting my pain wasn't about getting all my answers. It was about letting go and accepting what I couldn't change. And suddenly, I began to breathe again. It didn't mean everything was ok but I finally felt like I was living.
One day I began to think to myself, "I want to be that person for someone that I didn't have."
It was a burden I realize now that always existed in my heart but was starting to slowly grow into a seed of purpose. Which you now know has my blog and any other platforms you may follow me on. Any and everything I create, I do so with the intention to encourage and inspire. To be a light and an example to someone.
Of course, starting out was scary too. But there are so many moments when I'm writing that I can feel God just speaking to me as I go. It's become so special to me! I then started receiving messages from young girls I knew and didn’t know. Sharing how I've blessed them and inspired them to keep going.
I am in awe of God. My ministry looks nothing like the one I had envisioned in my head as a little girl. But the reality is, our plans usually never outdo his plans. That's why I take such pride in being honest and real with everything I do. Because there are enough fake things in this world, especially in the social media world. And I want to be someone others can relate to so they don't feel so alone.
Fast forward to these past few months. God is still working and healing my heart. But I look in the mirror and I see a totally different person. A beautifully unfinished person. But one that I'm proud of. My prayers have changed. My heart feels whole. I feel like I have purpose again. I don't desire things I use to anymore because I allowed God to fill those voids.
2 years ago if you had told me where I would be now, I wouldn't believe you. God has taught me so many things about life and about friendships/relationships. There always comes a point where you have to let go of something or someone. And no matter how painful it was to let go, it was the best thing for me. Because in order for me to grow, I had to let go of something I held too close because it was no longer in God's plan for my life.
The friendships I've lost, the rejection I've received, and the abandonment I've felt, only made me a stronger person in Christ. I love differently, judge less, extend mercy more, smile brighter, and stand taller. I still don't have everything figured out and honestly never will. (That's not my place.)
But remember that faith I mentioned earlier? That's what I walk by now. I'm ok with not knowing. It's part of the thrill of living. And it's part of the intimacy with God.
God brought me to a place where he could rebuild me. And it felt like forever! But the amazing thing about God is he has never pushed me to do something he knew I wasn't ready for. He knew when I was ready to let go of my relationship so I could grow again. He knew when I was ready to face my hurt so I could truly begin to heal.
Growth and healing is not an easy place to be in. But through it, God began to dig around the hidden places of my heart and reveal to me his greater plan. I am so thankful for everything I have endured!
No matter what season you may be facing right now, I pray that my current testimony can encourage you to keep fighting the good fight. You may be in a season of waiting, pain, healing, or rejoicing.
But no matter what, put your faith and trust in the Lord. You too are beautifully unfinished.
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